An Invisible Mechanism

Why do birds sing so loudly?

Why does a cat meow so softly?

Why the humble is made to walk among the haughty?

What have I become a slave to?

Who put me on the chopping block?

Who bought me?

Our lifestyle and habits…


You see someone else with it and you just have to have it.

Some of us have no clue as to why we do what we do.

Never arriving at the conclusion that there could be an underlying cause.

An invisible mechanism.

Comprehension And Its Dimensions

I have come to the conclusion that there are certain things and situations that one is not able to comprehend unless they experience it first- hand; like being a mother or a father, the only child, the oldest child, the middle child, the youngest child, like being in a complicated relationship, or living with a chronic illness.

“I knew you were going to do that”, that is what my sister said to me after I called her and told her I decided against going to my youngest sister's birthday bash, that was to begin at 10:30pm and end at 2:30am.

I found myself to be offended.

Offended, because I thought that during all the time that we had been spending together she was beginning to understand the force of uncertainty that has consumed my life since Lupus chose to rear its head.

Not enough explaining can ever cause her to understand or anyone for that matter, what it is like to live with this autoimmune disease, unless they have experienced it first-hand.

I have found myself always having to explain to every third person why I am not working, why I cannot remember our recent conversation, why I’m hot in the middle of winter and my nerves keep jumping in my eyes, forehead, lips, why I can’t bear to be around smoke, and my heart rate increases without excitement, and etc.

I guess my expressions are too negative for the optimist ear. If I state anything about my circumstance that isn’t “positive” then it is complaining.

Then I’m a complainer.

When we are outsiders we have to be very careful when assessing someone else’s situation.

As an outsider you have to be mindful of what the person maybe going through, what exactly they are living with and how it all affects every aspect of their life.

You would never know it by looking at me; I appear to be healthy, physically well.

But the truth, as devastating as it is, I’m not well.

I’m living with a chronic illness that gives off no warning of a flare, an outbreak, and that has the potential to be fatal.

I could go on and on and give specific details of my experiences, but I wouldn’t dare depress myself any further.

Even though I stated earlier that there are some situations that one is not able to comprehend unless they experience it first-hand, that doesn’t stop me from wishing that my sister along with others understood.

I often get the impression that others along with my sister think that I hide behind excuses.

I get this impressions because of the sighs and write offs, and the comments of its just lupus, when I’m unable to or just don’t have the energy, but only if they knew.

I may appear to be well.

I may laugh, joke, and smile.

I must do these things for the sake of my sanity and emotional stability.

Support The Cure For Lupus @ Lupus.org

You’re Twelve Years Old, What Do You Mean...?

You’re twelve years old,” what do you mean you’re too old to jump rope?”
No, you’re too young to deep throat.


You’re rushing yourself.
You don’t want to need drugs to cope.


There is only one that can fully construct that boat.


In the meantime you’ll be patched up and pacified.
Some may tell you the truth will you believe it you’ve heard so many lies


Weighed down because of soul ties.
We’ve all traveled a compromising path, spiritually unsupervised.


We’re attracted to the baby makers, the emotionally detached, the heart breakers, that tell us let’s do this now and I’ll love you later.


We become drawn in by our own pretending and find ourselves subconsciously submitting.
The shoe that you are trying to wear doesn’t seem to be fitting.


They’ll slide off and cause you to trip.
Take time to learn and observe then let the words flow from your lips.


The throwing of your hips, just quit.


I don’t know if you were told, but there is a time limited on being a hottie.


Don’t wear out your body
And leave your emotions in a mess.


Strenuous on one’s mind is that thing known as regret.


In some respects, I believe that youth is wasted on the young.


I urge you to take a walk, ride a bike, go for a run.


Don’t open that door that gives all access to your heart, soul, spirit, and mind.
Yes. It is a challenge to tame and takes a conscience effort to keep in check.


Don’t give him none.
Don’t give him it.
Resist!


©2010 Atiya Meadows-Thomas,All rights reserved no republication of this material, in any form or medium is permitted without expressed permission of the author.

Watered

I’m in full bloom with red leaves, like a tree before mid-fall
I feel like I haven’t been watered at all

Maybe because there was a drought this season
Watch how I can give all these reasons


Why I feel the way I do


I’ll be careful with how I communicate my feelings lest I lead some astray or aloof

My pillow is wet from my tears and covered in long strands of my hair that are no longer attached to my head


My legs won’t cooperate therefore I can’t even get out of bed

My face and body is red, brown, burning and itching


I am laying here and it is family, friends, companionship, and love relationships that I am missing

I am missing the ease of physical mobility

I am longing for peace and tranquility

All of this and I still consider myself to be in full bloom, like a tree before mid-fall

I am in need of a little water and need not to feel like I’m up against the wall

I have not stopped writing

I have not stopped dreaming
But I do notice that my mind is clinging

To everything that could’ve been


I’m banging and yelling at the top of my lungs
Yet no one will let me in


My pockets are empty and my purse is flat
My ambition is untamed


But the outward appearance of things doesn’t support such facts


I am in full bloom with red leaves, some leaves are beginning to turn brown and fall


My thirst is overwhelming
I feel like I haven’t been watered at all



©2010 Atiya Meadows-Thomas .All rights reserved no republication of this material, in any form or medium is permitted without expressed permission of the author.

As We Go Through Life

As we go through life we do our best to live with our painful past


Claim to keep it real
But we wear so many masks


Our response when asked how we are doing is, “I’m fine”


When we are really tired and hurting
Feeling confined


In some cases spiritually blind
The response, “I’m fine”, is just the less complicated line


You know I’m blessed
But it is this I must confess


I’m all out of solutions


Woo! That felt good to get off my chest
My emotions are in such a mess


Oh by the way there have been some promises and secrets I should’ve kept
Had friends that I should’ve never befriended


Wrote letters and should’ve never sent it
Please know that if I never told you I loved you I meant it


I apologize if it was you that I offended


As we go through life we do our best to make due
Live with the lie and or haunted by the truth


We are who we are, by far


We either soar in spite of
Or do what is necessary because of the constant reminder of the scars


As we go through life






©2010 Atiya Meadows-Thomas .All rights reserved no republication of this material, in any form or medium is permitted without expressed permission of the author.

Write Like You'll Never Write Again

Motionless! Stagnant! Complacent! Brokenness!
Fragments Of dreams


Tied up! Torn down!
Shaken! Shook up!
Trying hard to get out and stay out of this rut


So I’ll write to express
So my vulnerability will be evident


As if I’m in front of a crowd totally undressed


Revealing that I’m striving but I feel like I’m a mess
Weary and in need of rest


Songstress without a song
Drums without a drummer


Clogged to capacity
But there is no plumber


Get a snake and some extra strength Drano
I’m so tired of the same ol’


Backed up
Resisting the temptation to act up


I’ll write like I’ll never write again


A letter to my lover
Notes to my friend


Words can provide encouragement
If honest we all have tendencies to fall short


A good dream
A goal we abort


If we can’t see a clear path


I’ll write as if this time is my last


Express love even if not asked
Take off all masks


And regardless of the repercussions
Go all the way and not half step


Live a life of less regret


So when I write
I’ll write with a passion unheard of


When you read what was written
I’ll be someone you want to learn of


I’ll write until I’m raggedy
Until I can’t write any longer


Go thru it head on
Believing that it will make me stronger


Millions of words phrases and sentences


It will be so clear
No need to ask, “What is your mission Miss?”


I’ll write like I’ll never write again


A gift !A golden opportunity!


Even when I put my pen down writing continues to pursue me


So I’ll write like I’ll never write again






©2010 Atiya Meadows-Thomas .All rights reserved no republication of this material, in any form or medium is permitted without expressed permission of the author.

Hold My Hand In Public

Hold my hand in public to signify that we are together


Like the kiss on the forehead or that embrace you like to give me
To make me feel better

Hold my hand in public

To confirm what you say in private

I'm feeling you. You're feeling me.

Why hide it?


Hold my hand in public


It is such a subtle yet extreme form of affection

It gives clues into the seriousness of a relationship

The gesture assures. The gestures says so much

Your palm in my palm
Innocent, yet intimate is such a touch

Hold my hand in public




©2010 Atiya Meadows-Thomas .All rights reserved no republication of this material, in any form or medium is permitted without expressed permission of the author.